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Holidays Ahead!

What Can Help (and Tips for Personal Sanity)

from Judith Swinney, J.D.

Protect the Kids from Parental Conflict

Make sure your child/ren will remember this holiday as a happy, peaceful one, rather than one fraught with conflict. Kids will blame themselves and feel responsible if they witness parents fighting over them. You can support your child/ren through this season by shielding them from any parental bickering about them. Communicate with your co-parent through a co-parenting app such as OurFamilyWizard, or privately, another way. Remember, kids have big ears!

Know What the Plan Is,

Prepare Yourself and Your Child/ren

Not knowing who’s doing what/when/where and last-minute changes add to the stress already present during the holidays, especially for children. Make sure the children are aware of what the holidays will look like, and be upbeat about it; help them feel good about spending time with both parents. That feels very different from making them feel sad or guilty about spending time with their other parent. Don’t take it personally if they want to spend time with extended family members (on your co-parent’s side of the family tree) they don’t get to see much. Take into account what older kids might want to do with family and friends, too. If your child/ren will not be with you for all or part of the holiday, have a plan for yourself-spend it with supportive family and friends, travel, volunteer, catch a movie, etc.

The Same, and Different

Find ways, both old and new, to celebrate the holidays. Can you keep some family traditions (like special meals, or kids spending some time with extended family coming to town) and also create some new rituals and routines? Think of it as your child/ren’s time, not ‘who gets them’ this year. Kids will remember either sharing in or missing out on beloved family traditions. Sacrifices you make this season can be gifts for your children. Don’t be haunted by past holiday memories; make new ones for yourself and your kids.

Different folks have different expectations and traditions about the holidays, and what ‘makes’ them. For some, it’s quiet, contemplative time; for others, such activities as shopping/gift giving, holiday lights, travel, cooking/baking, singing, faith community events, volunteering, etc. Maybe your co-parent’s holiday traditions differ from your own: different doesn’t mean inferior, just different. Embrace the differences for your children.

Be Flexible!

Take the Long View. Things will be different from year to year, as families evolve and grow (whether kids grow up in one home or two). Kids’ needs, interests and activities change as they get older. Give each other some grace, and focus on how this year can be one that keeps kids at the center without putting them in the middle. If your child will not be with you on the Day Of, plan an alternative holiday (the day/week before or after, for example). You can make it special for yourself and your child in this way. What do you want your child/ren to remember, looking back on this holiday season?

Don’t be a Grinch: Prepare to Share!

A Team Effort

Can you coordinate with your co-parent on what gifts you will each be getting the children? You don’t want a situation where gifts are duplicated, or one parent rushes out and buys all of the top gifts on the kids’ lists, leaving the other parent with giving socks. Kids notice these things!

Some parents chip in together to buy big-ticket items. Show your love by cooperating, not competing. Sometimes parents go overboard on gift-giving at the holidays, out of guilt, to make themselves feel better, or to one-up the other parent. But big gifts don’t compensate for whatever your family situation is. Respect each other as partners in raising healthy, happy adults: If you know a certain toy or game is off-limits in your co-parent’s home, don’t buy it! If you are able to communicate with your co-parent, it will go a long way in ensuring that the children have an amazing holiday.

Season of Giving

Can you help your child make a card/gift or buy a small gift for their other parent? This will make your child feel proud and happy, and demonstrate your goodwill toward their other parent. The holidays are more about giving than getting, so you will be teaching your child a valuable lesson. Even if you don’t get along with your co-parent, helping your child give a holiday gift is actually a gift for your child.

Tips for Personal Sanity at the Holidays

  • Get enough sleep, drink lots of water
  • Have a morning ritual (cup of tea, meditate, journal, music, candle).
  • Watch the sugar, butter, and white flour intake (says the family baker).
  • Have some quiet time just for you. A nap, a book, a walk, some music.
  • Care less about what others think.
  • Say ‘no’ when you are not busy.
  • Practice daily TLC:

               What am I Thankful for?
               What am I Looking Forward to?
               How will I Care for myself?

  • Unplug and Power down! Disconnect from news, phone, social media, etc. for a while. The world will still be there (and the people in your life who really matter). Create phone-free zones/times for your family.
  • Check Your expectations-don’t make yourself (and everyone else) crazy trying to make sure everything is PERFECT. Don’t get sucked into the Media Messages about how the holidays ‘should’ be celebrated. Do things your way this year. It’s going to turn out as it should; relax and breathe!
  • Eat healthy, get some exercise.
  • Decorate with just the thing you really like; give the rest away.
  • De-clutter; let go of what you don’t need, love, wear. Someone else will love it.
  • Give back to your community. Help someone who really needs a friend now.
  • Give up being right around people who are committed to making you wrong. You don’t have to defend your existence to anyone.
  • Focus on the Future- a new year and new beginnings are just around the corner.
  • Make something. Construction paper and glue are for kids of all ages.
  • Limit spending-it’s easy to go overboard during the holidays, be it for your kids or yourself. Simple can be very special. Consider creating memories for your family rather than ‘more stuff.’ A book can open worlds to a child (or adult).
  • Know your Triggers-what sets you off, stresses you out? Can you change things so you can either them go, or find a way to avoid/minimize the stress? Do what works for you, don’t set yourself up: If you hate to cook, is this the year to attempt a French gourmet feast for 15? Maybe yes, but Maybe no.