Children's Reporting in High-Conflict Divorce:
A Developmental Perspective
From Rena Fox, J.D.
Overview
In high-conflict divorce situations, parents often make assumptions about occurrences in the other parent’s home. Several factors can make it challenging to offer the benefit of the doubt, including:
- Past experiences with the other parent
- Children’s statements upon return
- Children’s physical and emotional behavior during transitions upon return
Children’s ability to accurately report their experiences varies based on several factors:
- Age
- Developmental stage
- Questioning methods
- Time elapsed between the event and reporting
When children report concerning events from their time with the other parent, it’s crucial for the receiving parent to approach the information with curiosity rather than blame. There may be reasonable and innocent explanations for the reported events. A measured, inquisitive approach to investigating the situation benefits:
- The child
- The parent-child relationship
- The child’s relationship with the other parent
Infants & Toddlers (0 - 2 ½ Years)
Developmental Tasks
The primary developmental tasks of infants include establishing a sense of trust in their environment and the people around them. Forming an effective attachment with at least one primary parent who consistently and promptly responds to their needs, becoming comfortable with other who interact with the, and making their needs known through crying or other signals. Infants and toddlers need frequent contact with both parents and they do not cope well with numerous changes to their schedules or routines. At approximately six months, a child begins to make strong distinctions between primary caregivers and others, which may result in the beginnings of separation anxiety. Parents of infants begin to bond with their children and to recognize their children’s signals regarding their need for food, comfort, sleep, and nurturance.
As children grow from infants to toddlers, their developmental tasks include:
- an increasing sense of self-awareness
- the beginnings of a sense of independence
- the beginnings of speech development
- an increasing ability to provide self-comfort and self-regulation in sleeping, feeding, and toileting
- the parent’s process of bonding with the child continues as children grow into toddlers.
Visitation Considerations
Parents of infants should establish a visitation schedule that is consistent, predictable, and routine in nature. Depending upon the noncustodial parent’s availability and caregiving history, the noncustodial parent of an infant should have short (one to three hour) but frequent (two to three times per week) visitation during the day or early evening. As the child grows from infant to toddler and becomes more comfortable with separation from the custodial parent, the duration of visitation should increase.
For parents who live far apart, the noncustodial parent of an infant or toddler should travel to the residential area of the custodial parent. This may mean that visitation takes place in the home of the custodial parent or in a nearby location where the child feels comfortable.
It is important for parents of infants and toddlers to establish one nighttime caregiver. Overnight and extended visitation may not be appropriate for infants and toddlers. However, children who are able to make smooth transitions between homes, or who have older sisters or brothers to accompany them on visitation, may be comfortable with overnight and extended visitation.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents can help their infants and toddlers by:
- Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routine visitation schedule
- Interacting with the child in a location where the child feels secure and comfortable
- Gradually increasing the duration of visitation
- Moving to overnight and extended visitation only when the child is able to make a smooth transition between parental homes
- Sending along personal objects; such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the parent
Preschoolers (2 ½ - 5 Years)
Developmental Tasks
Preschoolers continue to increase their sense of individuality. They make significant gains in their verbal skills and become more likely to express their feelings. Preschoolers also develop a greater sense of curiosity and exploration, and increase their abilities to imagine and fantasize. Children at this developmental stage may think they are responsible for their parents’ divorce or for their parents not living together. They fear abandonment and may fantasize that their parents will reunite. Their sense of security is affected by predictable and consistent routines.
Visitation Considerations
Routine and consistent visitation schedules are very important. For parents who live far apart, it is usually best for the child if the noncustodial parent travels to the residential area of the other parent. This may mean that visitation takes place in the home of the custodial parent or in a nearby location where the child feels comfortable. During this stage, children may be comfortable with longer visitation periods, including overnights.
For younger children, overnights should be limited to no more than one night per week . Older preschoolers may be able to have additional overnight and lengthier visitation. Assuming the child has an ongoing relationship with the noncustodial parent, vacation time may be appropriate.
Weekend visitation that is increased gradually may help preschoolers to make the transition to an extended vacation time. Transitions are easier if children bring with them personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, photos, or memorabilia of the parent.
Because preschoolers have improved verbal and comprehension skills, it is important for the parents to avoid speaking disrespectfully about the other parent or about others in the home.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents can help their preschoolers by:
- Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routine visitation schedule
- Gradually increasing the length of visitation, working up to overnights
- Sending along personal objects such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the parent
- Avoiding criticism about the other parent and others in the home
Elementary School (5 - 12 Years)
Developmental Tasks
Elementary school age children are learning to develop relationships and cooperate with peers and adults. At this age, children establish foundations for academic and athletic skills. Self-esteem, self-worth, moral development, and personal security are issues for this age group.
Elementary school age children identify with and model the activities of the parent who is the same sex as the child. Children also become aware of their parents as individuals, often dear the loss of parents, and feel the sadness and anger because of their parents’ divorce or separation. Self-blame, depression, and attempts to reunite parents are not uncommon in this age group.
Children need parental assistance in learning organizational skills.
Visitation Considerations
While many elementary school age children benefit from a primary home base, children at this stage of development can also benefit from spending longer periods of time with their noncustodial parent, assuming that they have developed and maintained a close relationship with that parent. Children of this age may be comfortable being away from their custodial parent on a regular basis for visitation lasting two to three days and for longer periods during school breaks and summer vacation. The more time a child has spend with the noncustodial parent, the more comfortable the child will be spending time away from the child’s home base.
For younger children of this age group, frequent visitation (at least once per week) with their noncustodial parent is desirable. As a child matures, longer visitation with fewer transitions may be preferred.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents can help their elementary school age children by:
- Establishing and following a predictable visitation routine
- Avoiding criticism about the other parent and others in the home
- Encouraging and assisting in phone and letter contact with the other parent
- Informing teachers of any stress the child is experiencing and getting help for school-related problems
- Encouraging and assisting the child to maintain contact with school, friends, and extracurricular and community activities
Adolescents (12 - 18 Years)
Developmental Tasks
During the early stage of adolescence, children continue the process of establishing their identity and self-worth. Through this process, and with guidance from their parents, they establish a sense of self in relationship to the rules and regulations of society.
Adolescents also begin the process of separating from their parents, during which they may mourn the loss of childhood, dependency, and protection within the family.
During this stage, adolescents gain academic and/or athletic prowess, make and sustain friendships, continue the process of gender identification, and begin to explore intimate relationships.
Visitation Considerations
It is important for parents of adolescents to maintain the child’s accessibility to school, peers, extracurricular and community activities from both homes. It is also important for each parent to consistently apply the family rules of their own household.
Adolescents may need to be with friends more than with their family and, therefore, may resist a rigid visitation schedule. Parents will need to exercise greater flexibility, adapted to the increasing ability of the child to take care of his or her own needs. There will also need to be greater flexibility adapted to the child’s preferences – an adolescent should not be forced to comply with a visitation schedule about which the child had no input. To accomplish this, parents should consider the child’s wishes and decide visitation issues together with the child.
Many adolescents benefit from a primary home base, with specific evenings, weekends, and activities at the other home scheduled on a regular and predictable basis. Other adolescents, however, may be comfortable spending equal time with each parent, including up to two weeks at each residence. Adolescents may be comfortable with one to three weekends of visitation per month, depending upon the child’s schedule, distance, and capacity to travel. The noncustodial parent should maintain contact with the child’s teachers and attend the child’s performances and other important events. Parents who live far apart should establish, with input from the child, a permanent schedule with some built-in flexibility.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents of adolescents can help by:
- Developing a visitation schedule by working with the child
- Establishing a predictable schedule that is flexible enough to allow for the child’s activities
- Consistently applying family rules and expectations
- Avoiding the assumption that a child’s mood swings or behavioral acting out is caused by the other parents
Holidays Ahead!
What Can Help (and Tips for Personal Sanity)
From Judith Swinney, J.D.
Protect the Kids from Parental Conflict
Make sure your child/ren will remember this holiday as a happy, peaceful one, rather than one fraught with conflict. Kids will blame themselves and feel responsible if they witness parents fighting over them. You can support your child/ren through this season by shielding them from any parental bickering about them. Communicate with your co-parent through a co-parenting app such as OurFamilyWizard, or privately, another way. Remember, kids have big ears!
Know What the Plan Is,
Prepare Yourself and Your Child/ren
Not knowing who’s doing what/when/where and last-minute changes add to the stress already present during the holidays, especially for children. Make sure the children are aware of what the holidays will look like, and be upbeat about it; help them feel good about spending time with both parents. That feels very different from making them feel sad or guilty about spending time with their other parent. Don’t take it personally if they want to spend time with extended family members (on your co-parent’s side of the family tree) they don’t get to see much. Take into account what older kids might want to do with family and friends, too. If your child/ren will not be with you for all or part of the holiday, have a plan for yourself-spend it with supportive family and friends, travel, volunteer, catch a movie, etc.
The Same, and Different
Find ways, both old and new, to celebrate the holidays. Can you keep some family traditions (like special meals, or kids spending some time with extended family coming to town) and also create some new rituals and routines? Think of it as your child/ren’s time, not ‘who gets them’ this year. Kids will remember either sharing in or missing out on beloved family traditions. Sacrifices you make this season can be gifts for your children. Don’t be haunted by past holiday memories; make new ones for yourself and your kids.
Different folks have different expectations and traditions about the holidays, and what ‘makes’ them. For some, it’s quiet, contemplative time; for others, such activities as shopping/gift giving, holiday lights, travel, cooking/baking, singing, faith community events, volunteering, etc. Maybe your co-parent’s holiday traditions differ from your own: different doesn’t mean inferior, just different. Embrace the differences for your children.
Be Flexible!
Take the Long View. Things will be different from year to year, as families evolve and grow (whether kids grow up in one home or two). Kids’ needs, interests and activities change as they get older. Give each other some grace, and focus on how this year can be one that keeps kids at the center without putting them in the middle. If your child will not be with you on the Day Of, plan an alternative holiday (the day/week before or after, for example). You can make it special for yourself and your child in this way. What do you want your child/ren to remember, looking back on this holiday season?
Don’t be a Grinch: Prepare to Share!
A Team Effort
Can you coordinate with your co-parent on what gifts you will each be getting the children? You don’t want a situation where gifts are duplicated, or one parent rushes out and buys all of the top gifts on the kids’ lists, leaving the other parent with giving socks. Kids notice these things!
Some parents chip in together to buy big-ticket items. Show your love by cooperating, not competing. Sometimes parents go overboard on gift-giving at the holidays, out of guilt, to make themselves feel better, or to one-up the other parent. But big gifts don’t compensate for whatever your family situation is. Respect each other as partners in raising healthy, happy adults: If you know a certain toy or game is off-limits in your co-parent’s home, don’t buy it! If you are able to communicate with your co-parent, it will go a long way in ensuring that the children have an amazing holiday.
Season of Giving
Can you help your child make a card/gift or buy a small gift for their other parent? This will make your child feel proud and happy, and demonstrate your goodwill toward their other parent. The holidays are more about giving than getting, so you will be teaching your child a valuable lesson. Even if you don’t get along with your co-parent, helping your child give a holiday gift is actually a gift for your child.
Tips for Personal Sanity at the Holidays
- Get enough sleep, drink lots of water
- Have a morning ritual (cup of tea, meditate, journal, music, candle).
- Watch the sugar, butter, and white flour intake (says the family baker).
- Have some quiet time just for you. A nap, a book, a walk, some music.
- Care less about what others think.
- Say ‘no’ when you are not busy.
- Practice daily TLC:
What am I Thankful for?
What am I Looking Forward to?
How will I Care for myself?
- Unplug and Power down! Disconnect from news, phone, social media, etc. for a while. The world will still be there (and the people in your life who really matter). Create phone-free zones/times for your family.
- Check Your expectations-don’t make yourself (and everyone else) crazy trying to make sure everything is PERFECT. Don’t get sucked into the Media Messages about how the holidays ‘should’ be celebrated. Do things your way this year. It’s going to turn out as it should; relax and breathe!
- Eat healthy, get some exercise.
- Decorate with just the thing you really like; give the rest away.
- De-clutter; let go of what you don’t need, love, wear. Someone else will love it.
- Give back to your community. Help someone who really needs a friend now.
- Give up being right around people who are committed to making you wrong. You don’t have to defend your existence to anyone.
- Focus on the Future- a new year and new beginnings are just around the corner.
- Make something. Construction paper and glue are for kids of all ages.
- Limit spending-it’s easy to go overboard during the holidays, be it for your kids or yourself. Simple can be very special. Consider creating memories for your family rather than ‘more stuff.’ A book can open worlds to a child (or adult).
- Know your Triggers-what sets you off, stresses you out? Can you change things so you can either them go, or find a way to avoid/minimize the stress? Do what works for you, don’t set yourself up: If you hate to cook, is this the year to attempt a French gourmet feast for 15? Maybe yes, but Maybe no.